How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
