Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
