Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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