mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
