the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
