Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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