Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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