dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
