I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He felt like a one man threesome
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
