I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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