No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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