i permit you to call me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
