I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
