My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
