dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
