she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
