You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
