yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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