y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
