I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
