peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
