All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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