Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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