I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
