first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
