Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
