dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
