Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
