overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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