Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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