my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
