My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
