my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
