She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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