you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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