I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
