thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
