So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
