Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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