I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
