Don't make out with my wife yet
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
