the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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