I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
