i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
