Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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