My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
