if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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