Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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