dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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