he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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