it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
