I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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