i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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