I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
