Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
