the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
