all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
