Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
