my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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