WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
