I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
